Sunday, August 18, 2013

Where do we go from here?

I am coming to the end of what has been one of the most challenging and emotionally draining months to date. It was filled with such highs and happy moments only to be followed by equally upsetting lows and heartache.


Here's a recap:

July 21 - Got my period! Sucks that 100mg of Clomid didn't work, but excited to get the 3rd round at 150mg started!



July 23 - Started taking 150mg Clomid, continued for 5 days!

July 30 - While using my Clear blue easy Advanced Ovulation predictor I got my first "blinking smiley", which means it detected a rise in my estrogen level. This happens a few days before the LH sure which signals OVULATION!


(Blinking Smiley!)




August 1 - Blinking smiley turned solid which means, LH SURGE! Also had CD12 blood work and ultrasound. Estradiol level 90.8 (up from 86.4 last month). Still much lower than we'd like mid cycle. As for the ultrasound, we were looking for one big, dominate follicle that would hopefully be the one to burst and ovulate. Unfortunately, it showed two very polycystic (lots of cysts) ovaries, with the largest follicle measuring 1.2mm.....we wanted at least 1.7-1.8mm. First big downer of this cycle. Yet I've still had the positive OPK, my basal body temperatures were also promising that I ovulated! Keeping optimistic this could be a successful cycle! (Insert bumpin' and grindin')

(Solid Smiley stays displayed for two days!!)

(Solid Smiley!)

(TVUS)

(Selene app on the iPhone to track Basal Body Temp)



August 10 - CD21 progesterone blood work. This again will tell us if I ovulated this month or not. >3 doc says I ovulate. However, we are hoping for >15-20. This cycle, my progesterone was 7.02. Yes, up from 5.99 last month, but still such a huge let down. Both me and Phil as well as my doctor were pretty bummed about this.


August 12 - One more ultrasound to look at my ovaries and uterine lining again a little later in my cycle. Looking for a corpus luteal cyst which is what would have been left behind if I ovulated. This time I could not see the usual looking polycystic ovaries with a bunch of tiny little cysts. This time each ovary looked like a big, black hole. It didn't help that the ultrasound tech wouldn't tell me much, but asked in a concerned manor when I was going to see my doctor again. In the end my doc says it's not concerning, just two large cysts on each side.



August 17 - CD28. The last four months on hormones, I've gotten my period on either CD27 or CD28. Woke up to no sign of a period so I cautiously took a pregnancy test. Negative. Bring on the tears and beer!


Now, August 18, CD29, still no period. The fact that I've been taking progesterone since August 3rd to help sustain a pregnancy if I were pregnant could be to blame for the delay. I'll stop taking that tonight and most likely retest tomorrow since my doctor advised waiting until CD30 to test if I hadn't gotten a period by then.



Phew, what an exhausting 29 days. I was so excited and happy the first half. But since getting the low progesterone level last weekend I've been so blue and down.  I've literally cried everyday.....actually crying as I type this. Cry for happy things, cry for sad things, I seem to cry every morning I get dressed. I'll be the first to admit it, I'm a hot mess. I don't know if the transient depression is from the progesterone (as it's known to cause changes in mood), from the daily changes in my body, from the fact that this third cycle is a bust or most likely from a combination of all of the above. I know couples struggle with trying to conceive for years. And while I can say we've only been truly trying to conceive with the help of medication for three months, we've honestly and truthfully been unable to conceive for over 4 years. Yet these last three months have taken such a toll on me both mentally and physically that I'm not sure how much I can endure. Of course I say this knowing that I will continue to do whatever it takes to have a baby. I knew it would take time and that it would be a long process, but at the same time I secretly thought we would be the lucky couple who got pregnant on the first round of Clomid, and if not the first month then most certainly by the third. I guess I wasn't prepared for it to be this difficult in all forms of the word.

One evening last week I got a very real reminder of why I'm putting myself through all this. We watched my three year old nephew Samson last weekend and had such a fun time with him. The night after he'd gone home I went to take dinner out of the oven, and grabbed the oven mitt. When I put my hand inside I felt something at the bottom. I looked in and took out two Teddy Graham cookies that Samson had hidden in the oven mitt. I immediately started bawling. THOSE are the little moments I so desperately want. While small and insignificant, I want a little person running around the house hiding Teddy Grahams in random places.



So where do I go from here? That question is still up in the air. Lucky for us we still have lots and lots of options. First things first, still waiting for a period. My doctor has been wanting to go through all my blood work and ultrasounds since we started all this to see how I've truly responded before making a decision on the route we take next. There is still a possibility he will say do another round of Clomid (dear God I hope this isn't the case). However, what I think we're both leaning towards is laparoscopic ovarian drilling. If he told me to be ready tomorrow I would be.  I just feel like my body is at a stand still when it comes to the Clomid. I will do whatever he thinks is best, but man I really do hope it's not another round of Clomid at this stage in the game.

I'm probably starting to sound like a broken record by now, but I would like to say that even though I've been pretty sad lately and not so much fun to be around, I still have so much love and support surrounding me. Of course Phil has been amazing, loving me no matter what, telling me I look wonderful, and letting me cry (and not questioning it too much, haha). He continues to make me laugh and help get me, get US through another day. My Mom who reminds me daily that I'm beautiful no matter what, and that this is all worth it. My nephews who give the best hugs in the world.  A doctor who actually listens to me, treats me with respect and works his ass off to get my ovaries working.  All the text messages, funny YouTube videos and emails I've received lately from friends telling me they're thinking of me and praying for us. A surprise package from an old friend, a random beer and good conversation with a new friend, and daily love from my two sweet dogs make things bearable. It can be hard to see the good in such a shitty situation, but when I look around I see so much love and support.....Of course it only makes me cry a little more. To each of you, I thank you and appreciate everything more than you'll ever know.



(Phil)

(Samson)

(Taj)

(Thanks Joan)

(Yum!)

(The best nonjudgemental listeners, shoulders to cry on and company to have around!)



Oh and once I figure out our next step I will be sure to let you know!

Lastly, here's another good song from you guessed it, Rascal Flatts! 













3 comments:

  1. You ARE beautiful! And you can cry sad tears or happy Teddy Graham tears anytime you feel like it! I love you so so much and will be here through it all! xoxoxoxox

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  2. I completely understand how you feel. We are entering our three round of Clomid with TI and I always thought we'd be that couple that got their BFP the first round too.
    Your positive outlook is wonderful! I struggle with finding the positives on some days. You give me hope that I can.
    Good luck in your next steps to getting your BFP

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  3. Thinking of you. I am so sorry you are going through all of this... Hang in there, girl!! *HUGS*

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